I doubt you are reading this on the eve of Christmas, but nevertheless, merry christmas, darling.
I wrote you a poem on my drive home today. It's cheesy and sappy and probably really bad, but I hope you accept it as a token and offering of my heart towards you and yours, even before we have begun our approach to romance together. I love you.
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Everything created
has it's own hue.
There's one thing I know,
know this truly, I do;
my one favorite color
is the color... of you."
You are my eye's delight; in whom I re-discover my passion and continue my soul's longing and walk further towards and into Christ and his Life. I long to lead you even now, as I desire for our souls to walk hand in hand on this cold road towards heaven on earth. Sometimes the road will be wintry, love. I will find myself discouraged, and weak; I will not forsake you. I will not forsake you. Even if we slip on the ice of life's troubles, and our hands are no longer grasping each other's, I will neither leave you nor forsake you. I'd rather die than lose you. If we fight, love, I will not give up or abandon our relationship. I won't escape into the woods of busyness or other forms of separation. I love you, and I long to learn how to communicate with you.
I have very little doubt in my mind that I want to serve the Lord in our family by adopting. Sorry, was that a little off-topic? *wink* I know, I'm like that sometimes. But in all seriousness, I want to adopt. I don't know what exactly that means, but I have a surety about it that I don't get about many things. Last time I had this level of gut feeling confidence was when God drew me to youth ministry. It was even that same kind of backhanded realization. It was pretty funny. If/when we adopt, we should adopt from the "unwanted list" no matter where we adopt from; I want to care for children that others don't care about. As Christ did, so can we. And we can change the world of the people around us through that love.
Have I mentioned I love you yet? I do. I adore you. I can't even explain how my feelings for you are. Partially because we are not married as I write this. I swear to you, love, that these aren't hapless words written to a nebulous image of a wife in my brain; these are for you, beloved. I love you. Deeply. Desperately. Longingly. Patiently. I love you.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Next letter, December 21, 2011.
Lover,
I'm so glad we're together some time after I write this. My longing to know you and support you and give myself up for you is high tonight. I listened to an amazing sermon by Greg Boyd tonight while doing dishes. (note to self, sermons during chore time is a FANTASTIC idea. I need to get an iPod so i can do that in a more mobile fashion) It was about relationships, but one point of emphasis that came up was the idea of husbands submitting to their wives and living for her as Christ has lived for the church. Darling, I want to sacrifice for you. I want to challenge you. I want to encourage you, give you tender care and loving embraces; I want to confront you when the hard stuff comes along. I want to love you.
I'm excited for the road God is walking me down now, but I know that it is bumpy and dark, for now. I'm often unsure of the right steps to take, but I think at this point failure isn't making the wrong steps... it's taking none at all. Anyways, I'm praying for you, wonderful wife of mine. Praying that I'll be prepared to bring to our relationship what Christ has brought to both you and I. Praying that you'll be continually transformed. Praying that Christ-mindedness would be my mainstay. I love you, dear one.
In Him,
Your faithful husband
I'm so glad we're together some time after I write this. My longing to know you and support you and give myself up for you is high tonight. I listened to an amazing sermon by Greg Boyd tonight while doing dishes. (note to self, sermons during chore time is a FANTASTIC idea. I need to get an iPod so i can do that in a more mobile fashion) It was about relationships, but one point of emphasis that came up was the idea of husbands submitting to their wives and living for her as Christ has lived for the church. Darling, I want to sacrifice for you. I want to challenge you. I want to encourage you, give you tender care and loving embraces; I want to confront you when the hard stuff comes along. I want to love you.
I'm excited for the road God is walking me down now, but I know that it is bumpy and dark, for now. I'm often unsure of the right steps to take, but I think at this point failure isn't making the wrong steps... it's taking none at all. Anyways, I'm praying for you, wonderful wife of mine. Praying that I'll be prepared to bring to our relationship what Christ has brought to both you and I. Praying that you'll be continually transformed. Praying that Christ-mindedness would be my mainstay. I love you, dear one.
In Him,
Your faithful husband
Monday, December 12, 2011
4th Letter, December 12, 2011
Beloved,
I'm in a tough spot today. I desire so deeply to pursue you, to call your name, to venture with you into the unknown on God's path for us. Lately things have been shifting, but I'm suddenly facing this deep-seated fear I hadn't realized was there for so long. I've been reading two books lately: Sex God by Rob Bell and The Book of Romance, a study on The Song of Solomon. I'm trying to prepare for our time, and learning to be diligent in understanding how things can/should go. My sexuality (not the connected-ness nature of life, as Rob Bell puts a spin into the definition, but my sex drive itself) frightens me.... because I have never been able to control it strongly in my previous relationships.
I want to have a God-honoring relationship with you... One that points those around us towards the depth, intimacy, and love that this world needs, the satisfaction of relationship with Christ. Yet, I'm terrified to start again and screw up. My fear isn't primarily of rejection, although that is inherently there too. I'm afraid of screwing up. Although by now you know this; I don't handle my own mistakes well... I tend to self-bash. Lover, I hope and pray for you to have strength, as I won't guarantee but assume you will have to experience my fleshy self in this way while we live together. I love you, and I refuse to give up. But here, on this side of the fence, before we've even begun courting, I find myself trying to figure out the way to lead in a dating/courting/betrothing relationship, and I'm left unsure how to go about things.
The more I think aobut things, the more I realize that this is something we'll have to figure out together. I need our Father to impart His strength on me, and will ask for it. However, we'll have to talk about things. About how this can begin... what are our hopes and dreams with an approach to a romantic relationship are, and what we desire for the future. Whatever we do, hon, I want it to be WITHIN COMMUNITY. Who knows, maybe we are living in a commune with friends and fellow ministry-workers together, blessing the people around us. Maybe not... but if not, I pray that the community I seek and desire for the start of our relationship will be there continually, if ever-shifting as people move and leave and come into our lives, so that we, as part of the Church, live to please the One who brought us together.
Darling, I love you;
Your hubby
I'm in a tough spot today. I desire so deeply to pursue you, to call your name, to venture with you into the unknown on God's path for us. Lately things have been shifting, but I'm suddenly facing this deep-seated fear I hadn't realized was there for so long. I've been reading two books lately: Sex God by Rob Bell and The Book of Romance, a study on The Song of Solomon. I'm trying to prepare for our time, and learning to be diligent in understanding how things can/should go. My sexuality (not the connected-ness nature of life, as Rob Bell puts a spin into the definition, but my sex drive itself) frightens me.... because I have never been able to control it strongly in my previous relationships.
I want to have a God-honoring relationship with you... One that points those around us towards the depth, intimacy, and love that this world needs, the satisfaction of relationship with Christ. Yet, I'm terrified to start again and screw up. My fear isn't primarily of rejection, although that is inherently there too. I'm afraid of screwing up. Although by now you know this; I don't handle my own mistakes well... I tend to self-bash. Lover, I hope and pray for you to have strength, as I won't guarantee but assume you will have to experience my fleshy self in this way while we live together. I love you, and I refuse to give up. But here, on this side of the fence, before we've even begun courting, I find myself trying to figure out the way to lead in a dating/courting/betrothing relationship, and I'm left unsure how to go about things.
The more I think aobut things, the more I realize that this is something we'll have to figure out together. I need our Father to impart His strength on me, and will ask for it. However, we'll have to talk about things. About how this can begin... what are our hopes and dreams with an approach to a romantic relationship are, and what we desire for the future. Whatever we do, hon, I want it to be WITHIN COMMUNITY. Who knows, maybe we are living in a commune with friends and fellow ministry-workers together, blessing the people around us. Maybe not... but if not, I pray that the community I seek and desire for the start of our relationship will be there continually, if ever-shifting as people move and leave and come into our lives, so that we, as part of the Church, live to please the One who brought us together.
Darling, I love you;
Your hubby
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Long time no letter
Hey babe,
I've been failing for awhile on typing these to you. Needless to say, a lot has been happening.over the past few months. However, I'm really excited about a new season beginning now. I've for sure talked to you about the covenant I had made back in 2009. Well, despite my not fulfilling the full bargain, God has provided. It's hilarious, I feel like I pulled an Israel. It was just a couple weeks ago that I had a series of circumstances, advice from friends, and prophetic word all come at me in a flurry
.
Seriously, the articles I was reading on Boundless.org, Relevant magazine, and elsewhere had this thematic thing going of discussion about romance, dating, and even sometimes covenantal stuff. Aside from that, words from friends were ruminating in my head, such as Andrew Rhoades when he spoke of 1 Corinthians 7 and Paul's concession to marry: "lest you burn with passion." However, the craziness was the week of November 20th. That night, Paul Ort and I were chatting after I brought home a ton of food that was a gift from PFC. We chatted about a lot of things; however we ended up talking at one ponit about the covenant I had made. He was asking about my reasons for starting it, which led to me giving the full story. Yes, he'd already heard it before, however, he was asking due to an intuition he was having. I know Paul and I both get the gut feeling thing more often than not as a Spirit-led guiding, so I was apt to hear what he had to say. He felt like my time in the covenant was coming to an end. Which didn't make much sense to me, as it wasn't close to a year of purity yet. But that's just the beginning.
The next day my friend Jenni comes over, and she had told me the week before that she had a prophetic word for me. That word was two-fold. The first part was about church, and it's now time for me to wrestle with that aspect. However, the second part is relevant here: "you can't do it alone" in reference to this covenant and how it was ending. Tied in with that were the ideas of how it's okay to admit the need of a helpmate, ending this covenant is not quitting if God has already fulfilled his purpose for it, and how she would hope that you would be able to support me in everything. Tied to that thought o support was the addressing of my fear of if I were to fail you in the aspect of lust, and how if you're supportive then you're not going anywhere. (Keep in mind, there is NO WAY that I'm willing to just roll over and let you be hurt by this sin due to my own laziness or in taking you for granted. I want to serve you, my body is yours, and you're the love of my life)
So, I hear this, and I want to believe it, my gut instinct goes with it, and it sounds so appealing. However, I have a rut I feel stuck in. If you want, check out Ecclesiastes 5, Deuteronomy 23:21-23, and Numbers 30. These passages speak so strongly of how a covenant is to be kept. So, to me, I was given a prophetic word that seemed to clash with Scripture. I believed it, and I believed God was in this, but I was unwilling to move until God revealed Scripture to me that showed His heart on the matter. Honestly? I was 100% sure that this was truth AND that God would reveal Himself in this matter. And He did. Seriously, God is good. But I'll stay true to timeline here... so you have to wait to hear it. ;-)
Yes, I just tried to flirt with you in a letter I wrote before we were married. And I'll try to do it more often! Ha ha!
Anyways, from here we get to Saturday. I had mentioned what had happened to some friends of mine. I had also sent texts to all my close friends on Thanksgiving that were personalized. With some of them I had given a teaser of how I had some important stuff to talk to them about. One of those people was Jared. Jared, an awesome friend I take far too much for granted, has had some crazy experiences. I had talked with him about covenant stuff in the past. In fact, there were some crazy dream coincidences he and I both had. Well, anyways, I called him saturday and before I could bring up what was knew he said: "you need to talk to me about the covenant, right?" "....." "You know me, I always know more than I should." So, yeah.... everything seemed to be converging on this covenant closing, by God's hand and not by mine.
Since then, I've been in prayer, I've been given advice, I've been challenged in the way I relate to God. That last point's especially interesting. I don't relate to God as lover. Yet, that's the most used biblical analogy for our relationship with Him (according to awesome wise one Kathy Johnson, I'm in process of seeking that out). I'd been asking God to reveal Scripture to me that made this make sense, and had the gut/voice leading me towards Go Eat Pop Corn letters ... enter the Book of Galatians last night. Seriously, reading it in context of where I was? Quite touching, and awesome. I was in tears at times, I was laughing out loud at times, marvelling at God's handiwork and amazing love. just try reading it, if you don't where I'm going with all this. If you still don't follow, let's read it together. Sound good?
Ooh! As typing this Alton felt he had a revelation in prayer. About time management, interestingly. And now he is a good friend challenging me on the amount of time I would even have free to give towards approaching a relationship. And here's a truth, hon, I'm scared of screwing you over in my devotion to the church. I know QT is important, and I have difficulty giving it because I sacrifice my time constantly. So, back to the first part of that prophetic word from Jenni. It was about work and ministry at the church. "You can't do it alone." She was challenging me to slow down, find my niche and the niches for the volunteers, and step away before burn out occurs. That's what I'm workin on now, love. Preventing burning out, so that instead we can have an enduring flame for our relationship, our love.
Thinking of you a lot lately,
Your eventual hubby.
I've been failing for awhile on typing these to you. Needless to say, a lot has been happening.over the past few months. However, I'm really excited about a new season beginning now. I've for sure talked to you about the covenant I had made back in 2009. Well, despite my not fulfilling the full bargain, God has provided. It's hilarious, I feel like I pulled an Israel. It was just a couple weeks ago that I had a series of circumstances, advice from friends, and prophetic word all come at me in a flurry
.
Seriously, the articles I was reading on Boundless.org, Relevant magazine, and elsewhere had this thematic thing going of discussion about romance, dating, and even sometimes covenantal stuff. Aside from that, words from friends were ruminating in my head, such as Andrew Rhoades when he spoke of 1 Corinthians 7 and Paul's concession to marry: "lest you burn with passion." However, the craziness was the week of November 20th. That night, Paul Ort and I were chatting after I brought home a ton of food that was a gift from PFC. We chatted about a lot of things; however we ended up talking at one ponit about the covenant I had made. He was asking about my reasons for starting it, which led to me giving the full story. Yes, he'd already heard it before, however, he was asking due to an intuition he was having. I know Paul and I both get the gut feeling thing more often than not as a Spirit-led guiding, so I was apt to hear what he had to say. He felt like my time in the covenant was coming to an end. Which didn't make much sense to me, as it wasn't close to a year of purity yet. But that's just the beginning.
The next day my friend Jenni comes over, and she had told me the week before that she had a prophetic word for me. That word was two-fold. The first part was about church, and it's now time for me to wrestle with that aspect. However, the second part is relevant here: "you can't do it alone" in reference to this covenant and how it was ending. Tied in with that were the ideas of how it's okay to admit the need of a helpmate, ending this covenant is not quitting if God has already fulfilled his purpose for it, and how she would hope that you would be able to support me in everything. Tied to that thought o support was the addressing of my fear of if I were to fail you in the aspect of lust, and how if you're supportive then you're not going anywhere. (Keep in mind, there is NO WAY that I'm willing to just roll over and let you be hurt by this sin due to my own laziness or in taking you for granted. I want to serve you, my body is yours, and you're the love of my life)
So, I hear this, and I want to believe it, my gut instinct goes with it, and it sounds so appealing. However, I have a rut I feel stuck in. If you want, check out Ecclesiastes 5, Deuteronomy 23:21-23, and Numbers 30. These passages speak so strongly of how a covenant is to be kept. So, to me, I was given a prophetic word that seemed to clash with Scripture. I believed it, and I believed God was in this, but I was unwilling to move until God revealed Scripture to me that showed His heart on the matter. Honestly? I was 100% sure that this was truth AND that God would reveal Himself in this matter. And He did. Seriously, God is good. But I'll stay true to timeline here... so you have to wait to hear it. ;-)
Yes, I just tried to flirt with you in a letter I wrote before we were married. And I'll try to do it more often! Ha ha!
Anyways, from here we get to Saturday. I had mentioned what had happened to some friends of mine. I had also sent texts to all my close friends on Thanksgiving that were personalized. With some of them I had given a teaser of how I had some important stuff to talk to them about. One of those people was Jared. Jared, an awesome friend I take far too much for granted, has had some crazy experiences. I had talked with him about covenant stuff in the past. In fact, there were some crazy dream coincidences he and I both had. Well, anyways, I called him saturday and before I could bring up what was knew he said: "you need to talk to me about the covenant, right?" "....." "You know me, I always know more than I should." So, yeah.... everything seemed to be converging on this covenant closing, by God's hand and not by mine.
Since then, I've been in prayer, I've been given advice, I've been challenged in the way I relate to God. That last point's especially interesting. I don't relate to God as lover. Yet, that's the most used biblical analogy for our relationship with Him (according to awesome wise one Kathy Johnson, I'm in process of seeking that out). I'd been asking God to reveal Scripture to me that made this make sense, and had the gut/voice leading me towards Go Eat Pop Corn letters ... enter the Book of Galatians last night. Seriously, reading it in context of where I was? Quite touching, and awesome. I was in tears at times, I was laughing out loud at times, marvelling at God's handiwork and amazing love. just try reading it, if you don't where I'm going with all this. If you still don't follow, let's read it together. Sound good?
Ooh! As typing this Alton felt he had a revelation in prayer. About time management, interestingly. And now he is a good friend challenging me on the amount of time I would even have free to give towards approaching a relationship. And here's a truth, hon, I'm scared of screwing you over in my devotion to the church. I know QT is important, and I have difficulty giving it because I sacrifice my time constantly. So, back to the first part of that prophetic word from Jenni. It was about work and ministry at the church. "You can't do it alone." She was challenging me to slow down, find my niche and the niches for the volunteers, and step away before burn out occurs. That's what I'm workin on now, love. Preventing burning out, so that instead we can have an enduring flame for our relationship, our love.
Thinking of you a lot lately,
Your eventual hubby.
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