4th Letter, December 12, 2011

Beloved,
          I'm in a tough spot today.  I desire so deeply to pursue you, to call your name, to venture with you into the unknown on God's path for us.  Lately things have been shifting, but I'm suddenly facing this deep-seated fear I hadn't realized was there for so long.  I've been reading two books lately: Sex God by Rob Bell and The Book of Romance, a study on The Song of Solomon.  I'm trying to prepare for our time, and learning to be diligent in understanding how things can/should go.  My sexuality (not the connected-ness nature of life, as Rob Bell puts a spin into the definition, but my sex drive itself) frightens me.... because I have never been able to control it strongly in my previous relationships.
          I want to have a God-honoring relationship with you... One that points those around us towards the depth, intimacy, and love that this world needs, the satisfaction of relationship with Christ.  Yet, I'm terrified to start again and screw up.  My fear isn't primarily of rejection, although that is inherently there too.  I'm afraid of screwing up.  Although by now you know this; I don't handle my own mistakes well... I tend to self-bash.  Lover, I hope and pray for you to have strength, as I won't guarantee but assume you will have to experience my fleshy self in this way while we live together.  I love you, and I refuse to give up.  But here, on this side of the fence, before we've even begun courting, I find myself trying to figure out the way to lead in a dating/courting/betrothing relationship, and I'm left unsure how to go about things.
          The more I think aobut things, the more I realize that this is something we'll have to figure out together.  I need our Father to impart His strength on me, and will ask for it.  However, we'll have to talk about things.  About how this can begin... what are our hopes and dreams with an approach to a romantic relationship are, and what we desire for the future.  Whatever we do, hon, I want it to be WITHIN COMMUNITY.   Who knows, maybe we are living in a commune with friends and fellow ministry-workers together, blessing the people around us.  Maybe not... but if not, I pray that the community I seek and desire for the start of our relationship will be there continually, if ever-shifting as people move and leave and come into our lives, so that we, as part of the Church, live to please the One who brought us together.

Darling, I love you;

Your hubby