Helloooooooooo Nurse! (did you ever watch the Animaniacs? You are asoundingly more beautiful than the nurse. Just fyi.)
All jokes aside, love, I've started reading Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus. It has been okay, but I felt like I had been reading a mirror. Truth, but nothing like a revelation. Today changed that. Entry #9, The Elusive Nature of Love, was awesome. Erwin describes a piece of me that i think fuels my dash towards Martha-spirituality and not Mary-Spirituality. Ready? Here's a quote: "We want god to love us for an endless number of good reason." Catch the difference between this and unconditional love?
Erwin describes our fear of God's love and its root. God sees right through me; He sees my cowardice, my selfish lustfulness, my wickedness. This realization leaves us terrified; how could God love someone so unworthy?
Quote #2 "We rn from God beacuse He sees us best; we run from God to escape our own sense of unworthiness; we run from God because we are certain that the closer come to him, the more guilt and shame we will feel." Beautiful, I have been trying to earn God's love again. My busy-ness is my escape. I now am seeking Godly work, BUti will be toeing the line while I seek.
To believe that my drawing near to God will leave me in a state of guilt and shame is a Satanic attack succeeding. I will find myself "swimming in compassion."
Beloved, it is my prayer for you that your heart would accept unconditional love from me. Erwin described his wife's reaction to an attempt at unconditional, albeit poorly worded, love with pain and anger. She desired his love, but wanted to know reasons why he loved her. That desire to "earn" love was there. Darling, you need not earn my love. However, I hope our love develops and grows something like this:
At first I loved you for parts of you.
Then I loved you for your affect on me.
Then I loved you for who we were together.
Lastly, I just loved you.
Ask me when you read this why I love you; know that I WILL give you reasons. However, I want our love to be fully committed, fully vulnerable, and utterly unconditional. This takes time. In fact, call it a hunch, but I doubt we will be here after a couple year's of marriage. Yet know this, woman of God; I love you, and to paraphrase Misty Edwards, I want to love you more. And more.
And more.
And more.
Intimately,
Your Lover
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